Ode to Exposure

i keep starting to feel myself collapsing, but i'm actually surprising myself with how strong i am.
i'm still holding on and i'm still standing.
i think to most people see me as the same person i have been for years, but i've changed so much and i'm still changing. just this past week i feel like i'm morphing into an adult of some kind. some kind...ha. yeah. some kind. i hope its a good kind. i think it is. i think still being in college has granted me an accessibility to staying in a state of youth that i think is good to hold on to as long as you can. this is, unless, it doesnt grant you the knowledge and strength to survive the emotional strains that come alone with getting older. thats where i found myself. i cant go on waiting or hiding. my true self is slowly being exposed and along with this my true friends are being exposed as well. i know who really loves me, who has truly loved me in the past.
i'm starting to know what i deserve.

i just ran into a stranger that i talked to for quite a while that just made me feel alive. i just felt so engaged in the conversation and so interested. it was like something inside me just woke up.
i hope i get to talk to them again.

i'm cold and with the feeling and smell of dried sweat from a long and strange day.
my stomach is stinging. i havent had time to eat a real meal in days.

i've had strange phone calls, strange emails, strange encounters...
things are just weird right now. in transition.

i just hope its all for the better.

i get to see my granddad this weekend. i hope he's awake enough to remember. pray for him. he's been so upset at the hospital that they just keep him sedated.

a few of my favorite people from murfreesboro have moved or are moving this week to nashville. gettin me down :(

so i'm still in this moment of figuring out how to be my happiest. what do i really want. all that good stuff.

my granddad is in the hospital say a prayer for him.

i'm reading an awesome book that britt loaned me, its called sex god.
everything the author says is just so simply put but so true and profound.
it seems like somehow he is stating so many true things that i never stop to really think about longer than a few seconds. it's like i can actually feel my mind clearing up.

i want to move to nashville.

1. if you havent seen fiona apple's video for 'not about love'. please, please go watch it on youtube.

2. referring to my post about feeling locked out. i found a song that fits my feelings perfectly.

TODAY WAS THE BEST DAY!!!!!!
1. i slept late
2. it was incredible outside
3. i was super productive
4. drawing 2 class was soooo much fun, i was way too excited all four hours
and felt like i had really made the right decision with my new major.
5. today was britt's birthday and i got to sit and eat the fanciest meal i've ever had with her incredibly fun and smart friends
6. i got an awesome late birthday present from anna
7. when i got home, my roomate jennifer had taped the season finale of the office for me and i watched it
8. IT WAS THE BEST FREAKIN EPISODE EVER!!!!! i cant get over it. it's sick really, how obsessed i am. but MAN. i think i'm going to wear my 'i live vicariously through jim and pam' shirt tomorrow.

i went home to do the mama's day thang and have my first moments with little miss maggie.
isnt she gorgeous?

last night i went to the boro to see charlie play.
this girl opened for the bands, her name was sharon van etten. i have such a girl crush on her!
i didnt get a picture, but go find her on myspace.
she's from brooklyn.
she makes her cd cases from liquor store bags and each cd has a different mix on it.
i cant stop listening.
anyways. some pictures from last night.

You Are A Lily

You are a nurturer and all around natural therapist.
People see you as their rock. And they are able to depend on you.
You are a soothing influence. You can make people feel better with a few words.
Your caring has more of an impact than even you realize.

it amazes me how many directions your heart can get pulled around within the span of a few hours.

i mean, really? am i?

because today has been SO GOOD that i can't really believe it.

i mean, i really can't.
SO GOOD.
hahaha!
all i can do is giggle.
and try to enjoy the moment.

i'm not holding it together so well today.
just not a great day, thats all. i guess.

i close tonight, which is giving me time to work on my paper. but while i was searching for info, i typed in historical memory and eventually came across this page- which i thought was very interesting.
its about people our age, and what historical memory is actually meaning to us. its kind of scary.

WE ARE BECOMING INCREASINGLY INDIVIDUALIZED

this weekend was pretty eventful.
two of my roomates are in student programming on campus and one of them is the coordinator. anyways they got zach galifianakis to come on campus for free and do his routine. he was HILARIOUS, btw.
and i got my picture with him. i might want his babies. i got to meet arj barker, too.

ME AND ZACH GALI-FREAKIN-FIANAKIS!

part of his orphan annie skit. love him.

this was earlier, listening to the bands.

then last night i got to go see some pretty cool local bands that i really liked. baby teeth thieves and bad friend. you should look them up on myspace. good stuff.

in other news, i've been training for a half marathon i'm walking next weekend. i walked seven miles a bit ago and i'm whooped.

i dont like how the pictures turned out of it, it looks so different in real life. oh well.

this is what the 'cartoon' effect did to it, i like it kinda.

i just finished a book review on a book i didnt read. its pretty dern good for not having read the book, too, if i do say so myself. ha. i've done that so many times this semester. just one more week!!! of this crap. i feel so good when i finish a paper. it has to be printed out, endnotes and title page and all sitting in front of me for the relief to sweep over me.

i think i feel strong today.
today is gonna be ok.

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